This morning I sat in the doctor’s surgery and cried. It is the third time I have sat in the same position in the last few weeks. Progress has been, I suppose, because the crescendo of emotion spewing out from the build up of the last few months – frustration, weariness, pain and confusion – has dimmed slightly, but it has not gone away. Each time I face the reality that, ‘stress’ is couch surfing on my sofa and shows little desire of leaving, even though I convince myself it moved on a week ago. An update with my doctor informs me otherwise.
So where does that leave me? Well we’ve ‘Mental Awareness Week’ recently, highlighting the growing understanding that at some point, a straw will break a camel’s back and emotional life, as many of us know it, will tumble out of control. I guess I just didn’t think it would happen to me. I have needed the wisdom of others to give me the permission to ‘take time’ and I have the beauty of this wonderful season of autumn to teach me to rest. As I walk along the country lane each day, I drink in it’s dying colour, knowing that one day, the days will indeed begin to grow long and the fresh green of life will return.
To my fellow strugglers, this poem is for you!
I am tired My brain is flat No energy For all that Creative imagination Bubbling In Deep pots of lively exploration Where Delicious scents of strawberry tasting ideas Spiral into the air Expectant, hopeful, clear. I am tired My heart is sad No desire For all that Persistent expectation Gushing Over High waterfalls of joyful exhalation Where Delightful aromas of wild garlic hopes Sail across oceans Wild, limitless, free ...I am just tired...